5 Times Phil Coulson Sort of Thinks About His Issues
by droidgirl
Summary: "Help me Jemma Simmons, you're my only hope" - 5 short stories about Phil falling in love, while Jemma and Grant fall for each other.


**5 Times Phil Coulson Sort of Thinks About His Issues (or "Help Me Jemma Simmons, You're My Only Hope)**

**He Loathes Himself**

Agent Phil Coulson generally possesses a certain degree of self-loathing at all times, but that's an expected hazard of the job. Frankly, he often thought that it was probably healthy he still feels any measure of guilt at all about the things he does, and the things he has yet to do.

That is, until he found himself shutting the vacuum sealed glass doors on the young scientist, locking her and her alien infection away from the rest of the world. She's young, she's talented, and good god, she's one of the most beautiful women that Phil had ever had the privilege of meeting in his entire life (or is it lives?).

She's almost (but not quite) young enough to be his daughter, he thinks with shame. She didn't deserve to have him as good as murder her, over something that she couldn't help. Not when she still had her whole life ahead of her.

When the order came to 'dump the cargo', the senior agent wondered how many bullets he could fire into the chest of Agent Blake before he himself got taken down. But even in that moment, he knew that eventually, he would be the one to give the order to finish it. To finish the whole nasty mess they had accidentally created.

Listening to her voice as she instructed him on what to tell her family, he wanted to be something else. Wanted to be someone else, anyone else. Phil Coulson never wanted so badly to be a better man.

It's Ward who brings her back. Ward who carries her limp and unconscious form in his arms, looking not so much like a seasoned soldier, but a scared boy.

Leo, giddy with relief (and a possible concussion), tells everyone that she's fine an hour after her rescue. Skye breathes a sigh that is echoed by everyone in the room including May, and Phil tries not to think about how grateful he is, because it feels like another chance.

**He's Cynical As Hell**

He isn't blind, and he's more than aware of the unspoken tension brewing between Grant and Jemma.

He's also aware enough of his surroundings to know that something a lot less than innocent is going on between May and Grant.

If his analysis of the situation was accurate, these were some likely outcomes:

Scenario A: May could fall in love with Ward, who was obviously distracted by the young Englishwoman. Coulson doubted this would result in an unfortunate catfight or anything so gauche, but he might lose his pilot. That would be less than ideal.

Scenario B: Jemma could reciprocate Ward's feelings – after all, he did jump out of a plane for her. High IQ aside, she was still young, and young women were easily swept off their feet. There was no scenario he could see from here, he thought cynically, where she wouldn't end up getting her heart broken once the secret agent decided relationships were not really his kind of thing after all. There would be months of one-sided longing looks, late night crying, awkward conversations, and that wounded look that would colour her features like a stain. Repeat process with Skye.

Scenario C: Which was also the most unlikely scenario. Leo Fitz might decide to act on whatever latent (and rather unlikely) romantic feelings he had for Jemma, and call Grant out for a duel to the death. Admittedly, Phil was 99.9% certain this was about as likely to happen as Loki bringing him flowers while declaring his absolute regret over killing him that one time, while professing his undying devotion.

Watching Ward tease Simmons over a board game, casually brushing his hand against hers, Coulson forces himself not to frown.

**He's an Occasional Alcoholic**

By the time the annual S.H.I.E.L.D Christmas party rolled around, he was still hurting from where those assholes had hurt him after the kidnapping fiasco. He could barely twitch his head without wanting to throw up because that's just how much pain he was in. He probably shouldn't have gone to the function at all, really, but unfortunately, he was still Team Leader. It was his duty to sit through boring office events for the sake of his team.

Considering the painkillers he's on, he probably shouldn't be drinking either, but Christmas comes once a year. Also: open bar.

Jemma was his self-appointed office-party-buddy, which was just fine as far as he was concerned. He was certainly enjoying the company; in his slightly tipsy perception, he thought that she looked like a Christmas elf in her green dress.

"Are you sure you want to hang around with me?" he asks again, after the third man walked away from their table, having been summarily rejected by a resolute little Englishwoman. "This can't be much fun."

"Sir, it would be nice if you stopped asking me to leave." Simmons responded in mock anger, her sparkling eyes and infectious smile belying her words. She's leaning close enough to him that he can smell her shampoo. He's beginning to suspect he's a little giddy not just because of the alcohol.

He couldn't help himself, but he felt more than a little satisfied when just a few seconds later, she rejects yet another young S.H.I.E.L.D agent in favour of staying with him. Giggling (he blames this on the scotch he's been plied with), they comment on how Fitz is determinedly following an oblivious Skye's movements. They watched in awed silence as Ward and May awkwardly slow-dance in the middle of the ballroom. May is the first to pull away, while Ward awkwardly stands in the middle of the room, one hand wrapped sheepishly around the back of his neck

"Think they broke up?" Skye asks as she sits down beside the pair, in between taking large sips from her martini glass. Phil pretends to look innocent and shocked at her statement, but fails miserably.

"Jemma," Leo, who is starting to slur, says excitedly as the DJ starts the intro to a Daft Punk song. "Jemma that's the song! _The_ song!"

Phil smiles as Jemma finally gets up, following Leo out onto the dance floor where they proceed to spaz out like a couple of deranged children.

He turns away for a second to speak with Director Fury, who surprisingly never misses any of these things. It's strange, seeing him in a dress shirt and formal suit jacket rather than his battered leather duster. The man looks uncomfortable as hell, and Phil kind of enjoys it. That is, until Fury looks past him, and he follows his commanding officer's gaze.

The music changed while he had been distracted. It's become slower, softer.

Jemma is dancing with Grant, who holds on to her like she's made of glass. Jemma shoots him an apologetic look, to which he responds with a smile he hopes she buys. There's something else in her gaze, something strangely wistful.

Phil looks away first.

"Your team members appear to be getting along well." Fury says mildly.

"Yes sir. I suppose they are." Phil replies, and finishes the drink in front of him.

He doesn't remember much of the party after that. But he's assured by everyone else that he did not in fact, embarrass himself.

**He's Stubborn**

Inevitably, the Avengers eventually find out that he's not dead and that he hasn't been dead in a very long time.

Tony Stark is the first to come knocking, mid-flight of course.

The superhero spends the first part of his visit alternating between making Phil feel guilty about his silence, and chatting nonstop with FitzSimmons. Mostly, he's happy to see Tony; it almost feels like his old life again. Almost. But there's only so much Tony Stark a man can take, before he retires to his office just to have a moment of peace.

The visit is great, really - that is, until Tony stays for more than four hours. Until Leo excuses himself for the evening, leaving Jemma alone with the billionaire in the lab. It's clear the two geniuses are getting esoteric enough, even Fitz had gotten bored.

Not that Phil is spying – he's just aware of what goes on in his plane.

He's so busy not-spying that he surprises himself when he realizes he's standing in the middle of the lab, pointedly asking, "How's Pepper doing these days?"

Tony looks at him quizzically for a split second, but he is a genius after all, and grins in a way that lets Phil know that the agent has just made a wrong move.

"You still nursing that old flame for my girlfriend Agent?"

Phil sees an indecipherable look that flutters across Jemma's delicate features, and feels a constriction in his chest he doesn't want to think about too much. He crosses his arms nonetheless, attempting to look a little taller, and little more imposing. Which is a hard thing to do when standing beside the armoured man.

"She asked me to find out when you're coming for dinner," Tony continues, enjoying the sudden tension in the room. "I think she misses you."

Jemma mutters something about needing to get up early the next day, and disappears quickly. Tony studies Phil, and says in a quieter voice, "Maybe you should go after her."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Phil says resolutely.

"Then you're much dumber than I thought." Tony responds without missing a beat.

**He's Bloodthirsty**

Inevitably, Jemma gets hurt.

At least, Phil tells himself it's inevitable, but it doesn't make him feel better. As the bullets slice into her flesh, he stops thinking about what's proper and what's protocol. Nothing else matters just then – not the mission, not anyone else. Instead, he's by her side in an instant, hauling her to the relative safety behind the crates that fill the warehouse they're in.

Looking down at her too-pale face, her hair spilling over his arm, for a second, his heart almost stops when he mistakenly thinks she's stopped breathing. But her body manages to suck in a ragged, shallow breath, and the world begins to turn again.

He thanks whatever deities are watching out for him and his, before he steps out of the shadows, filled with a rage he's unfamiliar with. With frightening precision, he shoots all the gunmen attacking them, and would have taken out each and every single one had May not called out to him, reminding him that they needed at least one man alive.

Phil satisfies himself by slamming the handle of his weapon savagely into the side of the final gunman's skull, and watches as the other man's body crumples to the ground.

* * *

The whole team waits for her to wake up outside the infirmary. Leo remains seated, shockingly quiet the entire time. His eyes shine red with unshed tears. Skye keeps offering to get everyone a hot beverage every two minutes; everyone is too kind to tell her she ought to sit down and shut up.

Grant though. Grant paces the hallways like a madman, hands shoved into his pockets, looking as if he had aged ten years in the space of four hours. His arm is bandaged from the vicious cut it took, but he doesn't seem to notice the pain.

Exhausted, Phil peers over at May, to see how she's taking this. Her hard shell visibly cracks as she looks sympathetically over at the man who Phil still thinks of as her lover, even though it has been months since Christmas.

When Jemma finally comes to, Leo, naturally, is first by her side. He's talking and laughing weakly, holding on to her hand so tightly that his knuckles have turned white.

As Phil approaches her, ready to tell her everything he has been denying even to himself, he realizes that Grant has already beat him there. He freezes, watching as Grant cups her face gently, looking down at her with all the relief and tenderness in the world. Silently, he observes her answering smile.

Skye is crying with relief and doesn't see his reaction, but May reaches out to touch him on the shoulder from behind. Looking back at his pilot, he tries to smile and mostly succeeds. She nods in sympathy, and he wonders when he became so transparent to everyone.

Somehow, he finds the right words to say to Jemma. Something cheesy like "Don't ever do that again."

She replies with a soft "Yes sir." and a small bittersweet smile that breaks his heart.

* * *

Later, when he wipes the blood from his hands, blood belonging to the man he still hasn't killed, but who is lying in a puddle of his own blood and drool, Phil will remember the smile that she bestowed on him.

He'll try his best not to break down and scream in frustration at the unfairness of it all.

He'll sleep well that night, but only because it's what he has to do – he doesn't really have a choice but to be ok.

END


End file.
